The Journey of the Obese Spelunker
by StarWarsFan99
Summary: Arnold Growth is a down on his luck paleontologist, but one day a rich investor comes to him. Now he finds himself being lead by a elderly obese spelunker down into a mysterious cave in search of dinosaur bones!
1. Chapter 1

"No amount of money was not paid." said Frank Pillbug, the owner of a massive plot of land in West Virginia.

"Yeah but I still don't want to crawl down there." said Arnold Growth, a top ranked archeologist.

"Listen. There are like soooooo many dinosaurs down there. It's just six miles down."

"That's what I don't like. I am terrified of spelunking! Doesn't matter how many artifacts are down there."

"What if I get my old friend who is a professional spelunker to be your guide down there?"

"How about noooooooooo!" said Arnold.

"Listen Arnold, you have a chance to not just be Arnold Growth lowly paleontologist but the Arnold Growth, the greatest paleontologist ever!"

"Listen. Being a great paleontologist means nothing if I die six miles underground. I don't even know what these bones are like that were discovered down their."

Frank Pillbug sat in Arnold's office silent for a minute before saying, "What if I gave you a ridiculous amount of money?"

"Ma-ma-ma-ma-money?" Said Arnold Growth as his hands began to shake.

"Yes from looking at your office it seems that is something that you desperately need." Frank said sitting on a formerly four-legged but now three-legged wooden stool. The leg having been broken off to form a shank at one point. The name "Cody" carved into the seat of it, surrounded by red paint splatter. Arnold sat upon three cinder blocks stacked on top of each other. His desk was a piece of plywood hanging from the ceiling by three lengths of chain. In place of a filing system Arnold had several trash bags with dates on them, looking more like a serial killer's collection of kills than a paleontologist records. All of this fine interior design was in an alleyway behind a Golden Corral with a particularly bad health review.

Arnold looked around his 'office,' "Well I could use some money."

"Then it's a deal" said Frank Pillbug standing up, "The helicopter will be here tomorrow."


	2. Chapter 2

The chopper roared closer and closer towards the most inhospitable location in the cosmos, West Virginia. More people die there each minute than all the people ever killed by the black plague.

"Allow me to introduce you to Lo Shane." Said Frank Pillbug.

"Oh god!" exclaimed Arnold Growth, "I hadn't noticed him. God, has he been there the whole time? We've been in this tiny helicopter for hours. What the hell."

"He-"

"Soooooooo weird." said Arnold.

"Hello Arnold. I will be…" Lo Shane stopped talking for a second, "Why am I here?"

"Oh how silly of me!" Said Frank Pillbug. "As you know I own soooo much land. And one day I let my nephew go spelunking in a cave on my property. When he came up he told me of something amazing down there."

"Dinosaur!" yelled Arnold childishly.

"Er, yes. So Mr. Growth will be going down their to study and retrieve some of that nonsense, thus making my property worth so much more. But Arnold here knows nothing of going down into caves, unlike you. My nephew clocked it at six miles down."

"You do realize that humans have never even gone a single mile below the surface?" asked Lo Shane.

"Eh." replied Frank.

"Well alright I'll do it, even though I haven't been spelunking in forty years." Said the sixty-eight year old Lo Shane.

"Hold on! You mean this guy is going to be my guide?" yelled Arnold, "How can a man clocking in at over three-hundred pounds be my guide?

I'm going to describe the three of them now because working descriptions in organically is dumb:

Arnold Growth: Thirties. Svelte yet athletic. Strong face. Long brown hair that doesn't go past the low of his neck. Is wearing a plaid button up with sleeves rolled up, light jeans, and tan boots.

Frank Pillbug: Old man. Balding, white beard. Glasses. Carries a cane but doesn't really need it. White pants and white shoes. Short sleeved button up.

Lo Shane: Sixty-eight. Obese. Can hardly move. Sweaty. Breathes loud. Looks like he is constantly in pain. Wears shorts, a massive dark-blue shirt, and sneakers. Short curly black hair.

Back to the story:

"Oh come on kid, I may not look it but I am obese." he pauses. "Oh! My point. But I'm also a great spelunker, trust me."

"I have a philosophy of not trusting people who have to ask for it." said Arnold Growth.

"Oh my goodness you guys, we're here." said Frank Pillbug.

"Fuck." said Arnold.

"My left arm feels numb." said Lo Shane.


	3. Chapter 3

The massive hole of a cave beckoned the three men in front of it. Massive when compared to a rabbit hole, that is. This hole was big enough for the likes of Lo Shane but not much more. They would have to crawl on all fours to fit in.

"Oh shit. I love dinosaurs but this is awful." said Arnold.

"Okay have fun." said Frank Pillbug as he flies away in his chopper.

"Let's get moving." begins Lo Shane. "You should go first. Because it would be silly for the guide to go first."

Arnold let out a big sigh before dropping to his knees and crawling into the darkness.

Lo Shane begins talking at Arnold, "Look not into the abyss for it will look back and seep into your soul and corrupt yo-"

"How the hell am I not supposed to look at the abyss! That's where I'm going! This entire god damned cave is an abyss!"

"Okay, okay. I'm coming too."

Arnold continuously makes the mistake of crawling forward. For eight hours the two men crawl through this tube of a cave but then something new happens. Arnold not really looking where he was going crawls forward despite the hole in front of him. He drops down into it, sliding into a massive chamber.

"Oh what the fuck! Ow!" yells Arnold. "How are we going to get out? We can't climb up that!"

Lo Shane slides on in. "I'm getting a cold sweat." he says.

"Hello!"

"Don't worry. We are not animals we can-" Lo Shane turns to look at where they slid from, "Oh no." he pauses. "Well let's get going."

"This chamber is massive!" yells Arnold, hearing his echo.

"Yes, look at the stromatolites, the formations of rock that perpulate the ground. The large architecture of mother nature we walk on now. The- Oh look." says Lo Shane as he treks through a cornucopia of natural formations reducing them to dust with his large frame. Arnold follows behind, disgusted by the fast waddle Lo Shane does instead of walking.

"This crack in the wall of the chamber is where we need to go."

"Why on earth is that the way you decide to go? We haven't even scratched the surface of what's in this chamber. And not to mention that this crack, while large yes, is quite a claustrophobic way to go." replied Arnold.

"Oh come on, I'll show you how to move through here."

"Wait a minute Lo, I just realized something."

"What?"

"Shouldn't we be using our flashlights?" Says Arnold Growth in the pitch black cave they have been traversing now for hours.

"Oh yeah. Let's get those out. Okay I have mine in my hand."

"Yes. Me too. My flashlight is in my hand right now."

"Okay now let's turn them on to look at stuff and leave them on for the rest of our travels."

"Yes, and let's never mention the fact that they are in our hands and we can see with them again since we mentioned them now."

"Yes and they will never go out on account of all the batteries we have."

"Yes indeed. So many batteries. Okay you we're saying about the crack." says Arnold.

"Yes, this is the way we are going. I can feel it."

"Nooooooo."

"Just follow my lead." Lo Shane directs. The lower lip of the crack juts out more so than the upper. He leans over on his stomach onto the waist high seam in the rock, his face turning beat red with the stress this causes him. Using his chubby digits he rolls over completely onto it before lying with his face in the dirt, arms pressed against it as well. Arnold looks on, wondering if he is still alive, and if so, how on God's green Earth is he going to fit into this crack that by all indications is too small for Lo Shane. Using the slightest movements of his neck, fingers, and feet Lo Shane eerily slips forward into the darkness of the wall's imperfection with the sound of stretching taffy. "Pluuuuuuuuuutt."

"Pluuuuuuuuuutt," the sound continues even after Lo Shane has slipped away from sight.

This uncanny display horrifies Arnold Growth, bewildered that such a thing was possible. "Pluuuuuuuuuutt," it continues, despite Arnold having been left alone in the dank chamber. Arnold unable to see far beyond his reach is alone. His only companion. The only indication he is still alive is the noise. Minutes pass. Arnold shakes in anticipation. He wonders had Lo Shane fallen? Had he been crushed to death by the rock? The darkness reaches out to Arnold but then. "Pluuuuuuuuuutt."

Arnold quivers in disgust. He knows not if the noise is his salvation or his punishment. He knows now he is not alone in the horror underground, yet now he knows what eldritch horror he shares this space with.

"Pluuuuuuuuuutt."

Arnold wonders if the noise truely still is Lo Shane. Had a parasite taken hold of him? Controls his body now? Does such a parasite exist? Is it in Arnold himself? Or perhaps a burrowing demon existed within the walls. Seeing Lo Shane as an intruder. The demon creating the same rolling blubber sound as it crawls towards Lo Shane, before slicing and biting away his life force. Now it drags his corpse deeper into the abyss. Leaving Arnold alone. Helpless.

"Pluuuuuuuuuuuuuttt."

Or perhaps it was coming towards Arnold, hoping to do to him what it had done to Lo Shane? Arnold could not see it in his mind but he could sense it. Coming closer. "Pluuuuuuutt," Arnold was frozen with fear. His blood turned to ice. Before the sound weakened with each passing minute. Now it grew louder. It was true. The beast of no God now wanted Arnold. What had Arnold done? He thought only of his greed for discovery and how he had broken loose some part of the world that had not seen light for centuries. A part of the cosmos not fit to exist, yet Arnold in his hubris had unlocked the door to it.

"Pluuuuuuuuuuuuuuutt."

"What form will the leviathan take," Arnold wondered. Would the form be large? A grotesque blubbery larva like serpent? A being without a face, seeing only with the most primals senses that all other creatures had lost long ago. Or perhaps it will appear familiar? Far too familiar. A being with a human's face yet the appendages of no beast from the ship of Noah. A distant cousin to the creatures of the world considered moral. Or worst of all could it be without form? Could it be incomprehensible to Arnold? Standing frozen in the darkness, suffering from sensory deprivation, it would seem that any beast would overload Arnold's mind. Sending him into madness with only a glance.

"Pluuuuuuuuuuuuuutt."

It grew closer by the second. There was no time left for Arnold to ponder upon its appearance. Death was here.

"Pluuuuuuuuuuuuuuutt."

Arnold clenched his fist, and prepared for the long painful trip across the river Styx.

"Pluuut."

"Arnold! How'd you manage to get to the other side before me!" yelled Lo Shane as his chubby bowling ball of a face slowly slid out of the crack, like playdough through a nozzle.

"Jesus fucking Christ, you are an abomination." Arnold said, not yelling yet saying it with a greater conviction than anything he has ever said in his life. "This is so much worse than what I was imagining."

Arnold was correct in his statement. There exist few things in this plane of existence as unsettling as Lo Shane's ability to glide across rock without the slightest movement. If I may quote the good book,

" _I will not set before my eyes anything that is worthless. I hate the work of those who fall away; it shall not cling to me. A perverse heart shall be far from me; I will know nothing of evil."_

-Book of Psalms.

Clearly the lord knew nothing of Lo Shane's immoral ability to glide over rock. This ability when compared to the Bible is indisputable proof that God (Who may have formerly existed) is vacant from reality or at the very least, has no control over us.

"But you didn't answer my question Arnold. How'd you get to the other side?"

"Wha? I haven't moved. You must have gotten turned around inside the crack." Replied Arnold.

"Ah. Well let's go."

Arnold's hesitation to enter the crack was clear, mostly do to him saying, "I, Arnold Growth, am hesitate to enter the crack."

"Oh come on boy-o, I'll be in here with you."

"That is what I'm afraid of. I don't mean to be cruel but, I'd sooner step into an airtight lead box with Pauly Shore and have it dropped to the bottom of the Mariana Trench."

Lo Shane slides back into the crack out of sight and begins to scream.

"What! What is it!" asks Arnold in a panic, as he looks into the crack.

"My feelings have been hurt."

"I'm sorry bro, what can I do to make it up to ya?"

"You can crawl on into this crack."

"Well sure, I don't see why not."

And so Arnold crawls into the crack. He may not posses Lo Shane's eldritch abilities but he also doesn't have his massive girth. With much fidgeting and what not Arnold gets himself on in there, into the dark hungry wall.


	4. Chapter 4

"Pluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut."

Arnold Growth regretted everything.

"Pluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut."

Every possible decision he made that lead him to this present situation he damned.

"Pluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut."

Especially being born.

"Come on boy-o, we haven't even began to go a mile down, let alone six." echoed Lo Shane.

The crack that the two men had crawled into was a Hell on Earth. Of course they were underground so perhaps they had slipped into hell. Every possible agony encased in this entrapment.

The floor of the crack and ceiling provided little wiggle room for Arnold. He cursed Lo Shane's ability to glide over it with such ease. Arnold had to crawl and finger his way across. Luckily he opted for a messenger bag, for a backpack would have made it impossible to move. The light was of little use. He could not see much beyond his immediate surroundings due to the curvature of the rock. Simply yellowish stone, beyond that nothing but blackness.

"Pluuuuuuuuuuuuuuut."

Blackness and the flash of light that was Lo Shane in the distance.

"I hope you know where you're going." yelled Arnold.

"Yip yip boy-o!" echoed from the distance followed by the wet taffy like sound of Lo Shane's gliding.

"Hold on! It's hard for me to keep up!" Arnold crawled and wiggled his body in order to try and maintain visual with Lo Shane but it was hopeless. Lo Shane was in the zone. There was no stopping a flood once the dams had been broken and there was no stopping Lo Shane. Arnold watched in frenzy as the light disappeared as too the sound of his movement.

Arnold, now without any indication where to go, began to panic. He dug his fingers as deep as possible into the stone and pulled his weight forward with such a flight of fury. The fears of burrowing horrors returned. Only now, Arnold was in their domain. He had no human advantage. All his senses and motor function limited. He must find a way out of this crack, no, this entire cave. In his current state Arnold was not fully aware of the momentum he was gaining. Perhaps too fast for his own good. Arnold found he could not maintain his current position and go forward so he flattened as best he could. He put his head to the ground sideways and continued to move with a flurry of swipes and contortions of the torso.

Arnold took a minute to realize. Perhaps he did not want to accept it, but when his arms and legs rejected him he knew it. He was stuck. Pinned between two slabs of Earth. Completely immobile in either direction. He couldn't even move his head.

"Fuck! No! No! No! Lo Shane! I'm stuck! Help me!"

Arnold's yelling was futile, it only served to increase his horror at the scope of his desperation as he heard the echos mock him in the distance. He tried every part of his body. His thumbs and his right pinky. His toes in his boots. His eyes. These the only things Arnold was still in control of.

The light did little to bring any hope. As before it lit the immediate area around Arnold. The area beyond the light housed any possible hell spawn waiting to come upon Arnold. Perhaps they even boldly ventured into the lit region, beyond Arnold's sight. The utter chaos and agony the universe was born from still had traces left in all the galaxies of the universe. In the far corners of the cosmos. Arnold had stumbled upon such an area and was now trapped there by several hundred tons of solid Earth. Arnold was to die, to me swallowed whole.

"Drip."

Arnold nearly died of fright right then and there. Was that one of the creatures? On of the sinister serpentines of conjured agony hungry for Arnold's flesh? He listened, for the slightest movement. For the tiniest indication of reality. He winced, holding his eyes shut tight, it was the only movement he was capable of.

"Drip."

Water dripping! Arnold was not alone, he was in a reality at least familiar in this respect. Something to hold on to, to keep hopeful. Arnold waited. He feared it would never come again. That is was just was freak happening of nature.

"Drip."

There it was. Arnold counted.

"Drip."

Fifty six seconds. Nearly a minute. Arnold counted to the next one.

"Drip."

Fifty six seconds yet again. Arnold repeated this again and again until he was sure he could trust the reliability of the drip. Every fifty six seconds, without fail. Nearly a minute, this was how arnold could hold on to hope. Sanity. His humanity. He could keep track of the time that passes this way, until Lo Shane finds him.


	5. Chapter 5

Arnold had counted three thousand one hundred and eighty three drips.

He waited in desperate agony for the next to arrive. Perhaps the water drips started taking longer to drip? No, that would be awful. That would mean he's been there even longer than that. Either way he has recounted hundreds of times. Always fifty six seconds. But where was it now!

"Drip."

Three thousand one hundred and eighty four. Arnold thought of his hunger, of his thirst. Of his desire to sleep. He mustn't though! What if Lo Shane were to call? Either way he could not sleep with the harsh light of his flashlight and the pain his back felt due to the rock pressing on him. He would wait for exhaustion to set in. Arnold licked the stone floor. It was dry and unforgiving.

"Drip."

Three thousand one hundred and eighty five. Arnold wondered how many hours that came out to be. His mind was to weak to calculate such a thing. He stared into the dark abyss beyond the light. His imagination did not toy with him in its familiar way. Gone were the figments of demons now the setting in of absolute loneliness. No one around would ever know of his pain. Of the agony he felt as he faded away. His mind was racing yet sluggish, for it had nowhere to go. Arnold wondered if the water drips had been growing fainter and fainter for the last couple of hundred or if it was him. In some ways he hoped it was him. That he was drifting off. He had fantasised about the small derringer like pistol in his bag. Of reaching it and taking his own life. To end the pain. He knew it was only hopeful thinking. He could not move his arm.

As he thought of that he involuntarily tried moving it. To anyone they would say he was still pinned, but the slightest bend in his elbow was a shock to Arnold. He had moved. It was impossible. He had spent hours trying to escape before, yet now he was capable of movement. This lightning bolt of shock rocketed through him and brought back a greater awareness to his surroundings he had not felt in many a hour.

He put the back of his hand to the ceiling as hard as he could. He could feel the smallest change in the rock. Slight movements of the hairs on his hand. He was moving. But how? He was not himself trying to make progress in any way, shape, or form. The cave must have a slope in some way that is propelling Arnold forward.

"Drip."

Yes, he must be moving. Arnold now could hope that this cave glided towards some salvation. Away from the demons of his mind, away from the loneliness. Arnold wondered just how long he had been moving for, what kind of progress he made. Arnold reasoned it in his mind that he must be making progress towards some kind of exit. Lo Shane seemed to have been making progress.

The hours go by, the water plays its awful music through the dripping. Arnold's hope is fading. Pains had been a common thing, the rock digs into his skin in some places but now was different. His right arm was being pulled. His body had twisted around it, so it seemed to Arnold, and now it was almost that he was hanging by it. Right above his elbow had been grasped by two small intrusions from the sheer rock that caged him. Arnold fidgeted with all the mobility he had but it was futile. His fidgeting made it worse almost.

That is what made arnold realize. He was not on a slope per say, but the rock was made up of small bumps of rock that would allow him to squeeze forward but not back. Arnold tried to free his arm but it only made it worse. Arnold held still, he could not stand to make the pain worse. He felt the wetness of blood on his arm.

He mustn't move. Slight fidgeting is what propelled him forward to this point. Try as he may the paint was too much, and Arnold was sure that he had assessed the situation enough to free his arm. If he could just hop it around the two nodes of stone. Arnold attempted it and all it did was increase the frightening amount of pressure on his arm. He called out in pain as he could hear his shoulder pop out of place. Arnold could feel blood pooling on the stone and hear his ligaments popping like guitar strings. Every new agitation caused more squirming on Arnold's part. Like a spring compressing the pressure just kept building and building until all at once it was gone. For a split second the pain was gone. And then a flood of new torture as he realized that his arm had been torn off.

Arnold's was not aware of his quickened pace. Nor was he aware of the greater space he soon had as he curled up into the fetal position. And he only slightly registered that he slid out of a crack in the sheer face of rock and was deposited on the ground. All he could focus on was the pain. Agony so awful he did not even register the explosion he heard echo through the cave.


	6. Chapter 6

Lo Shane was an unstoppable force. Like Caesar crossing the Rubicon, except all the time. With his face laying flat against the rock and arms by his side he moved with the sound of Jelo rubbing against itself.

Lo Shane had no idea of the direction he was going. Never did it occur to him he may be making circles much like he did before Arnold entered. "Where was he anyway?"

"Got to keep moving."

Then something interesting happened. Lo Shane got stuck.

"Pleeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrtttttttttttt."

It was like a truck caught in mud spinning its tires, but in this case it was unearthly spelunking techniques versus twelve billion metric tons of rock. The rock had not a chance.

"Plooooooooaaaaaaugggggggghhhhhhhheeerrrrrrrrggghhhhhh!"

It was rough as Lo Shane jittered and glitched through reality before a massive explosion took place leaving an unharmed Lo Shane lying facedown in the bottom of a crater.

Lo Shane staggers to his feet and walks off.


	7. Chapter 7

Arnold laid on the stone wet with his own blood. Nub of a right arm twitching. His mind was not right. He was hungry. The days he spent immobile had taken their toll. He needed food or he would die.

Luckily there was a Wal-mart a little more than a block over. Arnold struggled to his feet. His messenger bag digging into his dislocated shoulder. The pain was excruciatingly bearable. The blood might have rushed to his head had he not lost so much already. Arnold needed to teach himself to walk again after not moving for so long. His light lit his immediate area, but even seeing that much hurt his eyes. The Wal-mart sign flickered in the distance.

"Thank god they're twenty-four hour." Arnold thought, "I haven't the slightest what time it is."

Arnold took his first step as a cripple. "Put one foot in front of the other…" Arnold sang. The Wal-mart sign inched closer. "I wonder if I get a one arm discount." Arnold thought.

Arnold approached the automatic doors. They opened, which is what they should do but over the past few days Arnold learned to never take anything for granted. But if there was one thing Arnold could rely on it was the great savings he could get at Wal-mart.

Arnold approached the grocery section, luckily it had the same layout of the one he was used to. "Something easy to cook." he thought. Arnold grabbed a two liter of Dr. Mouth and a box of Cheesy Coup d'etats. This resembled Arnold's typical Friday night. Arnold walked up to the check out. Arnold's Ex-Wife worked the register, in the nude.

"Find everything alright?"

"Hm?"

"Find everything-"

"Oh yeah, yeah. No complaints." Arnold said as he bled all over the floor from his severed arm. Torn ligaments still twitching as if they controlled something.

"Alright that will be four fifty."

That is what Arnold liked about this combo, under five dollars. Arnold checked his pockets and remembered he had no money because why would he need money in a cave?

"Don't worry Arnold." said a voice. Arnold looked down to his side and saw a tiny anthropomorphic pig with a dollar sign on its flank, a top hat and a moustache. It had the voice of Frank Pillbug. "Just reach on in me and take what you need."

"Thank you Admiral." said Arnold as he reached in its coin slot and removed five bucks.

"There you are." Said Arnold handing her the money.

"Ten cents is your change."

Arnold ate the change and left the store. After he left the store closed. Now he just needed to get back to his place. He assumed where he was lying was his place. After all a sixteenth of his weight in blood was there. Arnold got there and laid down just as he was before he left. He reached for his cheesy coup d'etats but found that they were not there, nor was his Dr. Mouth. Arnold assumed he must of left them at the store. Or it may have been a fever dream. Either way, he was still hungry.


	8. Chapter 8

Arnold Growth awoke to the sound of a body being dragged. His eyelids reluctantly separated from each other, like a man being sawed in half, to reveal his open eyes. He saw dark. Despite his flashlight he saw nothing, a tell-tale sign of looking up at the ceiling and it being so high that light could not reach it. Arnold question the concept of turning his head before doing so. He saw cave. But something was wrong. Very wrong.

"By God. The cave is being sucked away to the left!" thought the rational thinker Arnold.

Arnold weakly watched the cave being sucked away to the left before his eureka moment. Arnold realized that he himself was the one being moved. The proverbial shit has hit the proverbial fan.

"Why!" Thought Arnold as loud as he could, "Why am I moving! I'm not telling my legs to move!"

Truly Arnold is too smart for these kids games. Now was for the zenith of Arnold's problem solving skills test, to discover why he is moving.

He looked above where he felt himself being dragged by some one.

"Ah-ha!" shouted Arnold.

"Arrrrghhhghgguuragh!" Shouted whatever was dragging Arnold as it scuttled back from Arnold. "Uhahruahrahue."

Arnold could get no clear visual, the creature had taken his flashlight and now pointed it at Arnold, blinding him. Arnold would ask for it, but he dare not break his promise with Lo Shane of never bringing up the flashlights.

"Wait! Lo Shane!" thought Arnold, "Oh God!"

Everything that had happened came flooding back to Arnold. His blood loss induced sleep must have caused some minor amnesia. Arnold look to where his arm should be and found none.

"Ahhhhhhh!" he shouted.

"Uarghhhhhhhh!" shouted the thing.

"Ahhhhhhhh!" shouted Arnold remembering the thing was there.

Thud went Arnold when he fell back down to his face, passing out from the blood loss.

Arnold awoke again, his arms and legs spread in a 'x' shape on top of a large pointed boulder stabbing into his spine. Arnold slid off it most un-sensually and collapsed in a puddle on the ground. He looked up and a shriveled, hunched over, pale, abomination stood before Arnold starring.

"Uuuueeeaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" shouted Arnold.

"Enough shouting!" snarled the abomination.

"Whua!" exclaimed Arnold.

"You die!" The abomination grabbed the flashlight which was on the ground near by and took aim at Arnold. "Pew, pew." said the abomination in high pitched falsetto while holding the flashlight like a gun. "Pew. Pew, pew, pew. Pew."

Arnold almost wished it would work and kill him, but he knew it would not. The abomination was enough to make anyone want to die just through sight. It would only come up to Arnold's waist, mostly due to it's hunched over nature. It had long, dusty, curly white hair that was slicked behind it's ears. It wore a decrepit off-tan loin cloth. As for its skin: God help us. Calluses a plenty, in fact it appeared to be a massive callus. A giant loose, wrinkled, so pale almost grey callus. No facial hair was found on its angular torn up face.

"Damn!" it snarled, throwing the flashlight at Arnold, "Might as well throw away that gun, doesn't work a lick."

"Ah." began Arnold pondering on what to do next. "So do you-"

"Uarrgh!" shouted the demon jumping towards Arnold.

"Why!" cried Arnold as the monstrosity wrapped its hands around his neck.

"Because I hate snakes!"

"What!"

"You heard me, you filthy snake!"

"I'm not a snake!"

"Oh, sorry." said the creature removing his hands and stepping back. "Then what are you?"

"I am a man." replied Arnold.

"A man? A man! I was once a man! I was once a man!" Yells the monster, going into a frenzy. It runs away into the darkness, the phrase echoing "I was once a man!"

"What the hell" thought Arnold as he crawled and turned, only to find himself looking up at the creature. "Agh!" Arnold shouted with fright and jumped back to his ass. The creature took a seat on Arnold stomach looking down on him.

"Why, I haven't seen a man since I got lost down here all those years ago."

Arnold made a mental note to not be down here long enough to look like this thing. "You actually were a man?"

"Why of course! Although it's been years I can remember loads about life up top! Like what a man looks like."

"Wrong," thought Arnold.

"What a gun looks like."

Wrong again." though Arnold.

What a fork looks like. Why even my name!"

"Which is?"

"Uh. Okay I can't remember that. Just call me Troglodyte!"

"Well Trog, can you get off me. I need to crawl and find a ghost fish or something to eat or I'm going to die of hunger before I can have the joy of dying of blood loss."

"Why if it's food you need then I can help you out fellow human!"

"Joy." said Arnold, using all his strength to muster up some sarcasm.

"Look to the sky my fellow man. Look at the blue glowing stromatolites. Those shall be our meal!"

Arnold looked up to see only darkness, even with his flashlight. "What glow? I don't see anything?"

"Perhaps turn off your gun, so you can get a better look."

Arnold does so reluctantly, fearing that he may be killed in the darkness, but also realizing that he's going to die anyway. As his eyes adjust to the darkness he sees that there is in fact glowing blue stromatolites. It is faint but it is there. As for the rest of the chamber. It is darkness. He turns it back on.

"Okay Trog, I see them, you expect me to eat rock?"

"Oh ho ho my fellow man, just you wait and see." says Troglodyte, walking over to the wall of the gave and digging his hands and feet into the wall.

"Stop calling me 'my fellow man" says Arnold as he does this.

"Man? Man! I was once a man! I was once a man!"

"Not again." Thinks Arnold as he follows the Troglodyte with his light as he climbs and chants at the same time. After reaching a certain height Trog stops moving and his chanting slows.

"Excuse me my fellow man! Can you please turn off your gun! It makes it much harder for me to see what I am doing!"

"Fine!" replies Arnold, making sure not to say man. "Freak must have developed dark-vision after being down here so long. I bet if we went out in the sun his eyes would turn to ash, God knows about his skin."

A eight hundred pound mass of stone falls three feet away from Arnold. His scream is greatly delayed. He turns on his light to look at it.

"The light!" cries a voice from above and Trog falls off of the wall he was climbing.

"So we're going to eat a stromatolite? Suppose there are worse ways to die. Like bleeding out from my severed arm!"

"No no no, my fellow man, we will eat it's contents."

"More rock?"

"No no no." says Trog, walking over and sliding the cracked stone from the top of the Stromatolite, like opening a casket. Arnold crawls over to check the contents of the formation. The stone forms a vat containing a vast amount of blue goo. Trog is dipping his hand in it. Getting heaping handfuls of the liquid and lapping it up.

"Eat my fellow man, eat."

"The hell is it?"

"Why it's blue goo."

"Yeah. I see that Trog."

"This is what they fill gushers with." Trog casually says eating.

"Wait! Really?"

"Yes, that is what I came down here scouting for, I worked for Gusher. This is a trade secret you see."

"Damn! And it's the blue one. That's the best one!"

"They are all the blue ones."

"Sweet." Says Arnold, but suddenly his common sense kicks in like a Formula One car hitting a concrete block. "This isn't true." he tells himself, yet his hunger tempts him. He sticks a pinkey in it and raises it to his face. He looks at Trog who started paying attention without him realizing.

"Go on!" Trog tempts.

Arnold eats it.

"So?" questions Trog.

"It taste like blue gushers."

The two persons ate all of it.

"I want to die," thinks Arnold, having eaten a bathtub worth of blue gusher juice.

"Wake up fellow man!" says Trog prodding Arnold's side.

"Christ! Let me die!"

"If it is sleep you want-"

"It's not, it's death I want!"

"-then follow me to my chamber!"

"Jesus, Joseph, and Mary."

"I had no idea you were Buddhist." says Trog.

"Trog. I'm going to be even more candid than normal," says Arnold calmly before exclaiming, "Let me die!"

"No no no my fellow man, I insist! Follow me to my chamber!"

The thought of pleasing Trog infuriates Arnold, but also the idea of him leaving him alone was nice. "Perhaps he has something nicer to die on than rock?" ponders Arnold. He decides to take the gamble and follow Trog to his chamber.

"I'm going to be crawling the whole way so slow your ass down. Or don't, I don't care."

"Please my fellow man! Allow me to drag you!" says Trog, taking Arnold's legs in his hands.

"Just be careful not to get any of my death blood on you." says Arnold, becoming dead weight in Trog's hands.

Time passes as Arnold is dragged over jagged stone, pain so miniscule compared to the torn tendons and exposed veins that was now his right arm. Arnold in his fever agony began to converse with Trog.

"Eh Trog. What else do you eat other than that gusher juice?"

"Else?"

"Nevermind." He ponders, "but how do you not run out of them?"

"Oh, well the stones grow back in a while or so."

"Good talk. Let's uh, let's stop." insist Arnold after that disturbing bit of world building.

Arnold notices a new amount of jagged rock stabbing him in the back. "This is a bad area, I'll be glad when we're past it." thinks Arnold.

"We're here! Welcome to my chamber fellow man!" announces Trog.

"Ass." says Arnold as he looks around. Well it was a chamber. A small bedroom sized cave somewhere. Beyond that there was nothing, nothing but the large amount of small rocks all over the ground, making it very uncomfortable. "Trog, what is up with all the rocks?"

"Well fellow man. These rocks are softer than the other kind of rocks!"

If this were true Arnold could not notice. "Trog even if that is true, the fact that there are so many and they are so small make it much more uncomfortable than the regular flat stone floor."

Trog could not understand.

"Well good night fellow man!" and with that Trog jumps to the floor turning his back to Arnold.

"Fucking kidding me." spits Arnold. He rolls over to look at the ceiling. Unable to sleep and unwilling to crawl out of the chamber, Arnold lies there hoping blood loss leads to another blackout.


	9. Chapter 9

"Arnold!" echoed Lo Shane's call through the endless dark caverns. "Goodness, no sign of Arnold anywhere. Think Lo Shane how to find Arnold. Wait! He should be the only other light down here. I just need to climb up somewhere really high and look down for that light of Arnolds! Great!"

Or so Lo Shane thought. As Lo Shane walked around and looked at stone pillars he found that there really was no way to judge the height of some of these plateaus of rock. Some formed to points, others faded into the walls , lead down or up into other chambers creating an endless amount of candidates. The tallest structure was completely debatable making Lo Shane's plan poorly thought out.

"Who needs to think things out." responds Lo Shane. "I shall climb this pillar right here." He says placing a hand on the sheer rock face of a tall pillar leading up to infinity. "Now if only I was good at climbing." It was true, where Lo Shane was in possession of the most unholy of spelunking abilities, going the opposite direction on the vertical axis was nearly out of the question. Lo Shane looked up at the pillar escaping from his view into the dark cavity. Lo Shane should fear death of falling, but he probably will not even reach a height that will be sufficient to end his life.

"Quit talking like that, you're making me hesitant." Lo Shane was very much hesitant. He looked up at the natural obelisk of stone. If I may allude to the Old Testament, had Lot's wife been about seventy feet tall, this could be her salt pillar. Dear reader I hope you are religious because for one: that allusion would make no sense otherwise but also, two: pray for Lo Shane. Pray as he climbs the stone.

Yet in his mind he still querys the scaling of such a stalagmite. "Wowie zowie this is a doozy." thinks Lo Shane, his words not really doing justice to the magnitude of such a herculean undertaking.

Suddenly a flood of thoughts that manifest themselves in the form of motivation come upon Lo Shane in the form of one simply phrase that epitomizes, at least to him, the tremendous inner strength that hides in all living things. This thought is the phrase "yip yip boyo."

With that utterance Lo Shane hops up in one mighty heave that cost him about a day's worth of energy. Instantaneously he is now starving to death, but he must not let it go to waste. These three millimeters he has gained off of the terra firma will make all the difference when climbing the gargantuan erectus. He digs his digits into the stone like a stick of butter into thrice hardened lead, nothing. Not the slightest bit of traction, or friction for that matter. Now comes the unbalanced decent. While three millimeters seems like a lot, one would not exactly want a atomic bomb dropped three millimeters above one's head and, this fat man falls with the same grace. Lo Shane lands, no collides, with the ground on the flat of his back yet creating not a noise against the solid earth below him.

No, the noise comes after the crash. Despite the air being knocked from his lungs like croquet balls through wickets, Lo Shane lets out a mighty roar. If in this domain there was some form of mighty creature that commanded dominance, such as a lion in the mighty sahara, then step aside. This call of Lo Shane's, while let out in pain, was ferocious enough on it's own but the continuous echo amplified the vocal vibration.

"Ooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhh!" Lets out Lo Shane. He may not know it but he is lord and this his domain.

The chamber shook with such a wild brutality that tumbling of rocks could be heard in the distance. Suddenly a several hundred pound boulder crash lands near to Lo Shane next to him, leaking blue goo. "Whu? Holy cow! My back!"

Despite the ferocity of his call, Lo Shane is in fact was greatly injured and now starving to death as well, having depleted his body's emergency nutrition storage to activate that single jump.

"Oh man look gusher juice." Lo Shane rolls over to the fallen stone with goo leaking out onto the stone floor. Sound of his dislocated spine disk popping in and out of place all along the way. Lo Shane stops face down and sucks the goo into his goblet of a mouth like a lamprey attached to the underbelly of some large fish. After a brief sucking of the teet of mama gusher Lo Shane has enough raw sugar to last him a while.

He stands, spine fluid building like water in a leaky boat, kneecap and bone rubbing together with no cartilage or sinew to buffer. In other words, everything is normal for Lo Shane. Normal, but after that excursion no progress has been made yet, this did teach Lo Shane one thing, no climbing. No as he looks for a high surface to mount, actually scaling said monolith is out of the question. Lo Shane begins to walk and as he turns around the back of the column he tried to trek he sees, that immediately behind it is a natural sloping path leading up to a high perspective.

"Hmm, perhaps there is something to be said for planning."

Lo Shane plops down onto his face and rides up the gradual slope not so different than a roller coaster building to the apex. Upon reaching the summit Lo Shane beholds the majesty that is the underworld of stone. Or at least he would if there wasn't complete darkness. Darkness. Darkness except for one glimmer in the distance.

"Ah ha, that must be Arnold! Don't worry Arnold I shall be there soon as I get there!" with that clear time frame stated Lo Shane descends the peak to make his way to that slight glimmer in the distance. A wise king seeking the north star.

Lo Shane meets no opposition along the way from the rocks. More so from his own sense of direction. Nonetheless he soon finds the light he saw from above in his oculus range.

"Arnold I am here! Arnold, speak to me, uhh you are not Arnold." Lo Shane reasons walking up to a puddle. He looks into the pool of mystery liquid.

"Ah drat, I wasn't seeing a light I was seeing the reflection of my own light in this pool of," he dips his breadstick like fingers into the red liquid "blood."

"Hmm, Arnold is too smart to get hurt this bad, that means there must be something else down here."

Lo Shane looks for evidence of his hastily decided conclusion.

"Ah-ha, these tracks in the dust, look as if someone was being dragged!" he says trying to piece together what kind of event went down. "Oh, wait. This also could be some kind of track. Like from a big snake, or great ol slug. I shall track it! Although I can't say I've ever done this before."

Lo Shane disappears deeper into the caverns, following the "tracks" that suspiciously look like where Arnold was dragged by Trog.


	10. Chapter 10

Arnold awakes from his death coma with the sound he wanted to hear the least. "Yip yip boyo!" commands Lo Shane's voice.

"Auggh."

"Well isn't this funny Arnold, I try finding you and can't but then I try to find a giant slug but find you."

Arnold can not even begin to understand that in his current state, but even if he was in top health he still probably would not. He considers warning Lo Shane of Trog but decides not to. Arnold rolls over onto his side with a proper arm, rocks sticking to him with dried blood. Trog was gone. Little things like this are the only happiness Arnold still has in this veritable hell under Earth.

"Now that slug should be around here somewhere."

"Lo, why do you think there is a big stupid slug down here?"

"Well I saw it's tracks."

"What?" Arnold looks on the ground to see what Lo Shane is looking at. He is looking at where the layer of dust has been brushed away from where Trog dragged Arnold, "You idiot. That's not a slug's trail."

"Slug's don't have tails Arnold." states Lo Shane as he waddles down into the rocky alcove. "Holy cow, Arnold are you aware you're missing an arm!"

Arnold lies back down and closes his eyes. He cares not for mortal annoyances anymore, he is soon to be taken by death. He wonders if the creatures in the afterlife will be annoying.

"Let me patch you up." says Lo Shane, doing the first helpful thing ever in his life. "I did what I can but, this is going to need some serious attention if you want to live!"

That was the key word 'want,' for Arnold Growth currently has no desire to live anymore. He begins to slip away into the darkness, like a fairy dieing because no one believes except he is dying for actual biological reasons. He welcomes the darkness of death but lo, a light. Arnold sees a light in the distance. It is beckoning him. Calling him. He recognizes the voice. Who is that? His mother? No too shrill. His ex-wife? No too snarky. His old college professor? No too stupid sounding. Suddenly a silhouette appears in the light. A male figure with poor posture. Arnold recognizes it. He recognizes the brown suit. The ill-fitted yellow shirt. The large green tie. It was Kevin Snead! A fellow paleontologist he went to school with.

"Well Arnold," spat Snead in a childish volley of words, "with you dead looks like no one will be able to oppose my theory that all dinosaurs evolved into humans!"

"Nooooooooooo!" cried Arnold out loud and in his dream, "You fucking idiot! That has never made any sense! They evolved into birds god-damn-it!"

"Well that's the stupid!" replies Snead, "My idea's so much cooler!"

"I promised I would never let you ruin the field of paleontology! I won't even let death stop me!" shouts Arnold waking up and standing up triumphantly.

He finds himself looking at a giant slug currently crushing Lo Shane.

"Oh thank heavens you're awake Arnold, you were screaming something fierce, but uh, as you can see I found the slug."

"What the hell Lo Shane!"

"Yes, I know. I should have not of bothered it." The slug begins to cover all of Lo Shane, "Oh man, here we go. Yup, this not going to be pleasant."

Acting on instinct Arnold tackles the side of the eight foot long, three foot wide slug. It leans it's head up, uncovering Lo Shane but gaining height over the head of Arnold in the process.

"Haul ass Lo Shane! It's a slug, they're slow!" shouts Arnold, making a break out of Trog's den. Lo Shane slowly following behind. Already slow with obesity the new second skin of slime he finds himself having not helping either. Arnold looks back while booking it to see Lo Shane waddling out of the den. Not soon after he sees the Slug come rocketing out and running over Lo Shane and then drifting around Arnold to stop in front of him. It crashes into a stone pillar in the process knocking it from its foundation, it shatters when it hits the ground. Arnold steps back and the slug slinks forward. Arnold takes another step back and it slinks forward again.

"What you want!" Arnold screams at it.

It's eye stalks begin to separate. This continues to its head as it splits itself down the middle about two feet, revealing a horrid mass of mucus covered tendons and gaping pores. From this mas is what can only be described as a long tentacle like limb. Arnold is paralyzed as he looks into this mound of flesh, almost beckoning him. The tendril reaches toward Arnold, towards his forehead. The tip of it begins to glow with a murky light.

Just before it makes contact a stalactite falls crushing the slug. The tendril's light goes out and is sucked back into the head of the slug. Arnold shakes off the trance and realizes what almost happened.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" he screams.

"Let's eat!" says a familiar voice. Arnold turns to see Trog climbing down off the wall hobble over to the crushed gastropod and hops up on it to throw stone aside.

Arnold falls to his ass from the pain of his arm and shock of the whole situation. The adrenaline was running out. He watches in disgust how Trog eats the blue gusher juice. He wonders how Trog can tell a difference between that and slug slime. Arnold realizes he can't.

"Trog, how'd you manage to get it right on the slug?" Arnold queries.

"What?" replies Trog.

"I should have known." he mutters in response, "Do you not notice what you are standing on!"

"Of course my fellow man. A mouse."

Arnold seethes with anger. "Are these a common problem down here?"

"Nope can't say I've ever seen one."

This takes Arnold by surprise. If Trog has never seen one then it must have come from some deeper part of the cave. What would cause it to venture this far up though, Arnold wonders.

As Arnold is lost in thought the slug begins to shift, rising up.

"Uh Trog. Trog!" yells arnold, "The slug ain't dead!"

"What?" asks Trog.

"The mouse ain't dead!"

Trog stares at Arnold, feeling the slug shift beneath him, "Aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

Arnold begins to crawl back from the shifting mollusk. "If that didn't kill it then what will!"

Suddenly Lo Shane's massive frame slides out from under the slug.

Pluuuuuuuuuuuuuut.

"That was not at all what I thought that would feel like." speaks Lo Shane upon his exit of the slug's underbelly.

"Oh, it's just Lo Shane."

"Yes, that is fact." says Lo Shane struggling to stand up, something every living thing on the planet takes for granted. As he stands he makes eye contact with Trog who had been inquisitively looking at him. "Arnold it appears the slug has given rise to some bizarre creature." speaks Lo Shane.

"Snake!" shouts Trog.

Arnold had not foreseen the consequences of allowing these two incomprehensibly moronic entities to collide in conversation. Now he will be punished for his lack of foresight.

"Snake!" shouts Lo Shane looking around, "Where!"

"Right there!" says Trog pointing to Lo Shane.

"Oh no! It's on me! Oh mama!" staggers Lo Shane as he jumps around, doing more a jig than showing any level of caution. It's as though he recognizes the danger yet his body won't allow him to fight for survival, as though his mind and body are two separate beings at odds under Lo Shane's conscious.

"Not on you is you!" shouts Trog from atop the slug corpse.

"Oh ho ho. No you have it all wrong slug spawn." responds Lo Shane, "I am a man."

"Oh no." mutters Arnold lying on the ground.

"I was once a man!" shouts Trog hopping off the slug.

"Really now?" responds Lo Shane.

"Was once a man!" cries Trog as he scurries away.

"Really, you were a man?" asks Lo Shane as he waddles to follow Trog, clearly interested.

"A man? I was once a man!"

"Tell me more about how you were once a man."

"Man! I was once a man!"

Arnold hears this all as he watches Lo Shane's light shine in the distance, racing all around him, but never out of earshot.

"Was once a man!"

Three hours later Lo Shane has learned about Trog what took Arnold two minutes.

"Was once a man!"

"Do tell."

Trog and Lo Shane stumble upon a dying Arnold.

"I have found something." says Trog, stopping his rant when he finds Arnold.

"Goodness gracious Arnold," begins Lo Shane, "You look like ice cream melting on the pavement."

"Ugh-heh." replies Arnold, single arm to his chest in a cradling gesture.

Lo Shane and Trog stare.

"Oh my goodness, his life may be in danger!" shouts Lo Shane.

"What do you mean?" replies Trog.

"Notice Trog, his lack of an arm, his inability to stand, the ludicrous amounts of blood on his body and, his resemblance to a corpse."

"What can we do for him?"

"You want to help Trog?"

Anything for a fellow man!"

"Well that arm is causing all this trouble, I wrapped it up but we need to stop the bleeding and stop infection."

"How might we do that?"

"Well in movies they often burn the wound. I'm not quite sure how to do that though."

"Oh! Wait here!"

Trog scurries down into his den and comes back carrying a big stone slab. Trog holds it out to Lo Shane who looks at it. The images carved into are shady but the best he can make out are two figures throwing another into what looks to be a fire of some sort.

"Here is my lighter." says Trog.

"What?" replies Lo Shane.

"This is my lighter."

"Well let me tell ya Trog, it's quite a fine one," says Lo Shane humoring him, treating Trog quite like one of his grandchildren. "But there's no way we can get a big enough flame from this."

"Drat!"

"Do not worry Trog, your lighter shows where we can get some fire! Where did you find it?"

"Down further into the caverns, I'm scared to head down into there on account of the bizarre sounds but I'm willing to go if it can save my fellow man!"

"Then let's head out! Come on Arnold!"

Arnold's body does not move.


End file.
